There is no exception in Life.

There is no exception in life.

There is no limit in experiencing pain and all the recurrences of the past. Even before you say you’re done with all the nostalgia and before you tell yourself that you would not want to walk the road past you, there is still the sense of urgency, painful as it could be felt. There are no boundaries in fulfilling your desires, but these desires remain as a huge blur if you don’t have the heart to understand each detail that it tells you. You wanna go on. You wanna stop. You wanna scream at the top of your lungs because you are filled with anger and failed hopes. You wanna live, you wanna die for someone. You wanna growl in losing a love but that love wasn’t worth your emotions and your time.

People stay as numb as the first day you met them. You said, “Here’s myself, I could be a friend to you”. But that friendship dilutes in the air as time passes by. Now, you are alone. You tell yourself to be still and be filled again with hopes. And now you are inside your room wishing it could be warmer if somebody is there beside you. But it’s not happening. I sit. I wonder why things happened drastically, dragging time to where it is right now. I let go of the city where I grew up. The city that filled my life with tears and my heart drenched in faces of people I could hardly believe had done something hurtful, painful, unbelievable, tragic – irrational situation that I am still – lingering from time to time.

I am one perfect example of a wounded woman. I am one clear, vivid stupid hedonistic person I often see. I was. I am. What will I be? I view life as austere, irrational sense of situation in a way we tend to figure out what to believe in. What do I really believe in? Somewhere I try to question my own faith. Do I think the same way as people do? Do I try to understand or do I just see it as an intangible, unarguable topic? No. I don’t want to think that way. But my nebulous worries draw me to one conclusion. I am nothing. I am just a figure formed so that the world will be filled with reckless minds, to unearth the life that evolved around us. There is life, there is death. We have not chosen life, but somebody gave it to us. Unmistakably. Not our parents. Greater than that.

The pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of success doesn’t rely on one thing. The self. What about the self? What about the very being of our manhood? We get chances of defining it from our day to day life. But do we really end in a conclusion? We end hanging at one end and the other end is still mysterious. One thing we never really want is that when we try to find answers and all we get is a sigh. A sigh not of relief but a sigh simply showing how vague it is to look for similar answers to the one we are eagerly looking.

Yes. We want to be good. We want to be excellent in areas our soul is sold for. We want to be understood by many. We never really think of ourselves as rich but all we do is declare we are born rich. Riches are in the mind. Seen riches are temporary. Seen riches are not ours. Just to be true. It means putting yourself in a vast selfishness. I don’t want to be that one either. I want to float. I want to skate myself in a slimy, freer world, slide my mind to one’s mind and then gone.

I never had a river of money. I never had a river of happiness. But I had been in a river of loneliness and river of tears. People say that when you experience first the tragedy, you will then have peace and abundance replacing the things you lost. Is it really true? Do I still hope? I never knew.

I try to keep looking between the lines whenever I feel disgusted about the past miraculous and down hearting moments. I realize that it was never easy to get rid of people’s eyes as well as people’s opinions. I damn them all. I am one against all. Really. There is no equality even if you are heading for promoting it elsewhere. The world is full of ambitious weird acts of human which viciously tells you, “I am better than you!” it slaps your face and makes you feel unworthy. Am I right? Better. We have to understand certain things. Little details. Petty things.

Are you awake? Or just living the word life? Are you numb looking at life as your sole basis of why you are awake? No one is awake. Eyes are shut to these children homeless lying in cold feet waiting what life could bring them the moment they wake up. This whole thing of being unconscious to the world today will not end. It ends if there is no life at all. Take it alone from me. It isn’t that strange and it will not surprise us. We saw situations in a way we respond to them merely by looking at the picture, but we move our eyes back to ourselves. Again, we put ourselves at the center. Because human being tends to react this way. You did something great; you want all attention to be drawn to you. You want credit because you pleased one person. A person pertinent to your workplace, let’s say it is your boss. I don’t mind having the best job. I don’t mind having a handsome good – looking boss. I don’t mind working in a high-rise building, great pay or even eating out lunch at a hotel serving thousand bucks just for 1 serving of rice. I don’t care. I care much about nothingness. Because nothingness speaks of full page picture of who you are and what you are looking at. This is your soul. This is the uncovered version of your human being.

There are a lot of things you cannot just simplify in life. There are things that needs constant look after because this isn’t the end. The truth is after the sun sets to its place, it is the end. But I for one is looking after the sunrise. Will there be sunrise after I write these words? Will I ever read this again, or will you, the one reading this could understand the content of this thought. I leave it then to you. How would you take this? =)

December 12, 2008

3:31 am

Vanessa