GUMPTION

Well I take that not as an insult but words that extremely mean nothing. When I try to read between the lines, my character is just as a seed wanting and willing to grow. Being still amidst deprivation of speaking, exhorting explanations, I seem to waver and choose to be silent. Wanting to be silent requires gumption to be present, and if it is, I feel redeemed from speaking words with no wisdom at all.

I have chances to pour out words that may contradict, knowing my right as a person of serious manners that deserves respect. And I don’t want to take advantage of position at any cost. I believe in individualism as a quest to test your endurance where to rely on in times of difficulties. That no one deserves honor from other people but is able to give honor first to himself.

Forget about the people who see you indispensable, they may live without making a stand with you. I don’t want that to happen. Rather we take responsibility on what personal reconciliation is all about. Is it lifeless? No it’s not. In due time, people will hear your cries and take note of your journey as one with your Creator. There is no urgency to neither go to public and speak words without depth nor push your own ideas, purport disagreements will cause great dispute. My philosophies are same as the natural occurrences of what life is all about.

But as I said, I don’t want to leave words with my own understanding. I wish that all may come to a place of deliverance and be ushered to the same truth that I knew from the start of my own personal journey outside my comfort zone. I rather live with nothing, than live with everything that will cause me to stumble on other people’s feet. Forgive me with words so forlorn, that I ought to speak life to all. But this very moment brings me to a truth that every good and bad thing can happen in this undeserved life. Therefore I was able to think of such depth of truth and put it into writing, that one day when things fade to happiness, I may be able to describe how lowly it is, how down hearting and discouraging it is to put one’s heart in such abandoned position. It was never easy to make amends of the permanent damage you caused yourself to bear aside from the damage other people did to you.

Love was one of them. So forth it brought painful embarkations, awful smell of red roses to your nose and thorns left deep holes in your hands and fingers. The truth is, as I pass such day, I will always bring all hours lapsed to that very present and sleep in waking hours as though I am in a state of reverie - - but when I blink twice I see myself in a place of wondering where will I be, where will I go and hide. And there I put all things on the ground and choose to be good, still and silent.

I am my own Being

I AM SAVED BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH...I am my own being, subject to my own consciousness. I am no good only to things that my soul is craving. I could live beneath deception but made a stand not to dwell in it anymore. Music has been my life, my pen and notebook are my comrade for a relief from many confusions. I could get into the woods and fuse the things in my mind. I drew myself into believing that Love is the only soldier but behind this, I am my own soldier. My life is a vast darkness, an existence that will come to an end. My strength reveals when I face myself in a sunset across the ocean...what I could search are the only temporary things that can be touched. I admit, I am weak in some areas and I can fight it. But if fighting means nothing but confusion, I'd rather end whats left in me, self-expression heals a wounded heart, that's what I've been standing with, I'm half-way to end road soon all of these will fade. I believe in eternity, the continuation of praises In the heavenlies amidst solitude. I have been betrayed, but never did the same, I've been fooled, played fool and unaware that I could breakdown and rise again to serve the ego... that fragile being could be broken even if how hard you try to give comprehensions to it, you'll fail, because man is a fallible being, imperfect, absurd... you cant put together a broken glass, coz when you do, it could not serve you its great function. a broken soul could be, because it exists, it wanders. I am someone who has understood life, understands life, and will understand life. I believe in KARMA. All things are possible to recur, and if recurrence is the only way to win, then, it has to be. I am broken but my brokenness will be my own strength to step into the road again and find my way back to the light. I am someone behind my words and choices...so know me better...(neurotic)???

Spiritual Hypocrisy

Spiritual Hypocrisy


Hypocrisy is the saddest word I knew in the realm of the spirit. We call ourselves as heirs, counted as those that are saved by grace, in short, we call ourselves CHRISTIANS. What is Christianity now? What is the true meaning of this kind of belief or relationship with the Creator that we claim over the years?

We send signal to people that we are spiritual. We send the message to someone that we are strong when all the waves are coming up to destroy our lives. For one thing people are nonetheless a bunch of neurotic asses that pursue their own ways of finding what’s true and what’s untrue. The thing is, whatever comes out of the way, we extract the essence of it and promote ourselves to be better human beings.

I have to call this with a sense of attention. I want to promote honesty as the sole basis of finding meaning to this idea. I have encountered people of different ages sharing to me about their connection with the spirit. Yes. I understood how it felt in a way that I, too, can testify such empowerment in a span of hours or weeks or even months. I have been to a lot of spiritual conferences, attended some studies of the truth and the beliefs that has not grown for so long. I am calling myself a believer.

Somewhere this whole issue comes along with a lot of questions. Uncountable questions that will make us end up with the same question mark (?). Are we consistent to our beliefs? Are we showing the same actions to the words that we speak? Or is it just to draw people’s attention to us making us valuable in the society?

I tend to make simple and various relations to the things that I see and hear to those that are spiritual. I make myself look like a fool at times that I wanted to be a part of the whole picture but then, I have to tear that same picture so that none of my forms will be seen in those pages. I want to dissipate and release myself to the tragedy and make it more beautiful.

The unseen belief is submission to the powerful one. The content of life is simply to undergo and testify the truth to mankind. Without words at all we can tell the person next to us how we are going through in our lives, regardless of how we are brought up, but the wisdom that we gain from the life that we claimed since the time that we were born. I salute people that have done great things at their earliest age, those that have fought and died at the war and ended up being victorious. Even if they fought and had not gained victory, theirs is the courage that was transposed to the generations that followed.
Our lives we own easily and significantly pass through our stay and stray in this world. We may never have been recovered to the times that we failed, but as human beings we are fearfully going through unembellished split seconds and magnificently come into contact with happiness. But nothing lasts that long.

I felt all the while that I am free to speak out what I have in my heart. People, things, places, situations, beliefs and unbelief, spiritual and worldly, church and the buildings, and more.
I draw myself as one figure to compromise in each details and that is to be susceptible to all forms of ideas and words that people say. I have all the heart to be sensitive and be cautious of what this world is in right now. I may not have the tendency to travel and see all the corners but I have this full view of what it is like. I am disposed to the cravings of my soul and putting myself at risk to contemporary dimensions of the world.

Yes I have my own disdains to what I have gone through, I have similar contempt to the ones that other people have. I have these wide illusions of bringing myself to a place of hopes and fulfilled dreams and to be able to understand clearly the indistinct voices and distant relative voices that I hear every day. I try to listen to the world, I try to listen to the cries and the religious voices, I try to be still to the acquisitions my heart has been drenched of. I keep notes of my insignificant dreams and words that abruptly emerge from the surface of my mind.
I keep track of the things that I myself have been dreaming about. If I try to ask myself of the manifestations of the soul in my life, I am full of sullen emotions and resentments that possibly became the source of my wisdom and the soulful ideas I had been with for the past unfruitful years of my life. At least I wouldn’t have to end this year with acrimony double the weight of the previous years. But to sum all the feelings, I have the same foolish and rancor events that had been the dark portion of my heart.

I consider life as ill will, glorious, and mysterious and ever full of colors. If I try to keep thinking this way, I gain the same profit. I will gain and reap all the beautiful and all the ugliest portions that belong to me. I am, to the extent of my being, closing all doors of foolishness of my spirit. It has never been easy, it has never been coherent to the things that I long for to happen. It has been still so vague to fulfill promises first to yourself then back to God. I am all the while hopeful of all the things that I have learned in life. I am always thankful, grateful for all the beautiful madness and tearful coincidences. I am one, being, human, to likely fall short of life’s graces or be full of it.

Vanessa
5:15 pm
December 16, 2008

There is no exception in Life.

There is no exception in life.

There is no limit in experiencing pain and all the recurrences of the past. Even before you say you’re done with all the nostalgia and before you tell yourself that you would not want to walk the road past you, there is still the sense of urgency, painful as it could be felt. There are no boundaries in fulfilling your desires, but these desires remain as a huge blur if you don’t have the heart to understand each detail that it tells you. You wanna go on. You wanna stop. You wanna scream at the top of your lungs because you are filled with anger and failed hopes. You wanna live, you wanna die for someone. You wanna growl in losing a love but that love wasn’t worth your emotions and your time.

People stay as numb as the first day you met them. You said, “Here’s myself, I could be a friend to you”. But that friendship dilutes in the air as time passes by. Now, you are alone. You tell yourself to be still and be filled again with hopes. And now you are inside your room wishing it could be warmer if somebody is there beside you. But it’s not happening. I sit. I wonder why things happened drastically, dragging time to where it is right now. I let go of the city where I grew up. The city that filled my life with tears and my heart drenched in faces of people I could hardly believe had done something hurtful, painful, unbelievable, tragic – irrational situation that I am still – lingering from time to time.

I am one perfect example of a wounded woman. I am one clear, vivid stupid hedonistic person I often see. I was. I am. What will I be? I view life as austere, irrational sense of situation in a way we tend to figure out what to believe in. What do I really believe in? Somewhere I try to question my own faith. Do I think the same way as people do? Do I try to understand or do I just see it as an intangible, unarguable topic? No. I don’t want to think that way. But my nebulous worries draw me to one conclusion. I am nothing. I am just a figure formed so that the world will be filled with reckless minds, to unearth the life that evolved around us. There is life, there is death. We have not chosen life, but somebody gave it to us. Unmistakably. Not our parents. Greater than that.

The pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of success doesn’t rely on one thing. The self. What about the self? What about the very being of our manhood? We get chances of defining it from our day to day life. But do we really end in a conclusion? We end hanging at one end and the other end is still mysterious. One thing we never really want is that when we try to find answers and all we get is a sigh. A sigh not of relief but a sigh simply showing how vague it is to look for similar answers to the one we are eagerly looking.

Yes. We want to be good. We want to be excellent in areas our soul is sold for. We want to be understood by many. We never really think of ourselves as rich but all we do is declare we are born rich. Riches are in the mind. Seen riches are temporary. Seen riches are not ours. Just to be true. It means putting yourself in a vast selfishness. I don’t want to be that one either. I want to float. I want to skate myself in a slimy, freer world, slide my mind to one’s mind and then gone.

I never had a river of money. I never had a river of happiness. But I had been in a river of loneliness and river of tears. People say that when you experience first the tragedy, you will then have peace and abundance replacing the things you lost. Is it really true? Do I still hope? I never knew.

I try to keep looking between the lines whenever I feel disgusted about the past miraculous and down hearting moments. I realize that it was never easy to get rid of people’s eyes as well as people’s opinions. I damn them all. I am one against all. Really. There is no equality even if you are heading for promoting it elsewhere. The world is full of ambitious weird acts of human which viciously tells you, “I am better than you!” it slaps your face and makes you feel unworthy. Am I right? Better. We have to understand certain things. Little details. Petty things.

Are you awake? Or just living the word life? Are you numb looking at life as your sole basis of why you are awake? No one is awake. Eyes are shut to these children homeless lying in cold feet waiting what life could bring them the moment they wake up. This whole thing of being unconscious to the world today will not end. It ends if there is no life at all. Take it alone from me. It isn’t that strange and it will not surprise us. We saw situations in a way we respond to them merely by looking at the picture, but we move our eyes back to ourselves. Again, we put ourselves at the center. Because human being tends to react this way. You did something great; you want all attention to be drawn to you. You want credit because you pleased one person. A person pertinent to your workplace, let’s say it is your boss. I don’t mind having the best job. I don’t mind having a handsome good – looking boss. I don’t mind working in a high-rise building, great pay or even eating out lunch at a hotel serving thousand bucks just for 1 serving of rice. I don’t care. I care much about nothingness. Because nothingness speaks of full page picture of who you are and what you are looking at. This is your soul. This is the uncovered version of your human being.

There are a lot of things you cannot just simplify in life. There are things that needs constant look after because this isn’t the end. The truth is after the sun sets to its place, it is the end. But I for one is looking after the sunrise. Will there be sunrise after I write these words? Will I ever read this again, or will you, the one reading this could understand the content of this thought. I leave it then to you. How would you take this? =)

December 12, 2008

3:31 am

Vanessa